Success in the modern world directly depends on communication skills. The ability to negotiate, learn from others, receive important information, influence – all this depends on your communication skills. Charm can help perfectly improve the quality of communication. Exceptionally charming people get advantages during communication. They achieve mutual understanding and support in their personal relationships, as well as achieve strong partnerships at work. This article is about how to become a charming conversationalist.
What is charm?
“When we talk about charm, we don't look at how a person behaves being at the table, how he looks, how fashionably dressed — we turn to what lies much deeper. After all, true charm is not only an attractive appearance. Some people are endowed with a unique ability to establish an unusually deep emotional contact with their interlocutors, so that others feel completely special in their presence." Excerpt from the book by Brian Tracy. "The Power of Charm: How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation"
Have you ever thought about the following questions:
• Why are some people charming and others not?
• Is it possible to develop charm?
• Is charm an internal trait of character or an external manifestation?
Let’s start with the last question – charm is a set of external manifestations, in particular: respect, attentiveness, the ability to listen, recognition and genuine admiration for other people, as well as speaking skills. Good news for those who want to become charming – all these skills can be developed. But, some competences, for example, the ability to listen, develop quite hard.
Aspects of being charming
Let’s have a look at every aspect of charm.
I have a friend who behaves respectfully towards others in every situation, even the most difficult. Even the most rude and ill-mannered boors cannot make him lose his temper. When I ask him how he manages to keep his composure, he answers: “I behave this way because I was brought up this way. Why should I change myself, under the influence of other people?” This example shows how important it is to maintain self-control and respect. Respect is your image, your business card. So what does respect and charm have in common? Respect for others is the basis of any relationships. This is a hygienic condition for open and confidential communication. Remember your charming acquaintances. What attitude do they show towards others? Often you will find them very well-mannered and attentive.
Attention to others is an essential part of charm. Remember, people love themselves very much. There is even a special term describing it – Ego. If you meet / call / write to a person only when you need to, then it causes a feeling that he is being used. If you show signs of attention: congratulations on birthday, respond to requests, maintaining communication or just calling a person by name – all this make you likeable for the counterpart.
- Read the article “If the Ego is sick”
- Watch a very funny video from a former pickpocket “The Art of distracting attention””
Ability to listen
“My friend, remember that silence is good, safe and beautiful.“– F.M. Dostoevsky
Charming people are great listeners. Listening is one of the most important skills for success in any field, especially in charm. People want to be heard. Remember the charming people from your social environment, are they good listeners?
But as I said earlier, this competence is very difficult to develop. Moreover, the poor listening comprehension is one of the frequent mistakes that I notice both among beginner negotiators and top managers of companies.
There are quite a lot of materials on the development of this competence. The nego.club website has a special section, dedicated to this competence.
Here are some materials that I recommend to study first:
Watch the video “10 ways to conduct a dialogue” from a recognised professional in journalism
Recognition and admiration
“Everybody likes a compliment.”– Abraham Lincoln
People love praise, even more when they are admired. We subconsciously seek approval for our actions and achievements. This need is constant, just like the need for food and sleep. Therefore, people who express their approval are always welcome. Remember, when you sincerely praise another person, his self-esteem grows, and he begins to feel warm and cozy in your company. And you seem to him to be a kind, insightful and charming person. Recognition has another aspect that helps you to be successful.
“Victory has a thousand fathers, and defeat is always an orphan.”– John Kennedy
This expression shows that everyone wants to share success. I have a recommendation in this regard: share the achievements and recognise the contribution of others. People like to join success, and you, in turn, will get additional “points” in the karma of charm. In addition, you and your achievements will be universally recognised.
Listening is the key to charm. People like to talk, especially about themselves. But the time comes, and you speak your word. What do charming people say? If you watch a humorous video about the «TEDsters» (speakers at the TED conference) of one charming actor, pay attention to how the performance “about nothing” turns into a good portion of humor, self-irony and an interesting story. Another important aspect of the ability to speak is the role of the Ego. People don’t like arrogant and narcissistic people. They also don’t like people who are too insecure. It should be narrated in such a way that it is a story, without unnecessary details, but engaging others. People love stories about themselves. Try to tell a good story about your friend, see how he smiles. Don’t try to be a superhero. Remember the character of the movie “Hancock”. The main character behaves very simply, he is like an ordinary person with his own shortcomings. In the film, he is forced to change, from an indifferent outcast to a sensitive superhero who respects others.
That’s the kind of superheroes people love, a good lesson of being charming from Will Smith:
Charming people attract others. They are welcome guests and partners, their company touches others. Charm is a combination of showing respect and attention, the ability to listen, recognition and genuine admiration for other people, as well as speaking skills so, that others feel special with you.
Develop your charm! Beauty and communication will save the world!